An Open Letter From Your Friendly Neighborhood Elf



He's not impressed.

 Dear Friends and Family,

Another Tacky Sweater Party has come and gone.  While I am pleased that everyone presumably had an amazing time, I feel I would be remiss if I did not address certain behaviors that I, and my boss, find troubling. 

Despite the fact that my line of work does subject me to the high potential for injury from toddler maiming or falls from precarious perches, I do not, at present, have the need for an attorney.  Therefore, I must insist that you refrain from filling the cubbies on the Smith family advent calendar with your business cards.  I assure you, if the day comes when I need the assistance of C. Lee Davis, Jeffery L. Dickerson, Ryan G. Prescott, Suzanne T. Prescott, Carey Olson or Clay Seaton O'Daniel, I will know where to find you.  I always know where to find you.  In the meantime, I have no need for the business cards (or 9 business cards in the case of Mr. O'Daniel...you're an eager one) you so graciously left for me in the space generally reserved for the deposit of children's gifts.

Similarly, I am currently without the need of the services of one Amy M. Harrison.  As Santa pays me in leftover Christmas Cookies and Eggnog, I have no taxable income and no use for an accountant.  Thankfully the laws at the North Pole are flexible in that regard. 

As for the office furniture salesman and "Keith" working for Intelux, you have demonstrated excellent networking skills in having your cards delivered without (1) being present at the party, or (2) ever having met the Smiths before.  Santa likes to reward dedication to the job.  You can expect a little extra in your stocking this year.  Clever.  As a devious elf, I can appreciate that.

While I am thankful for your willingness to serve, I do ask, in the future, please do not make my job more difficult by unnecessarily crowding the calendar.  I'm a small elf.  Those cards are hard for me to dispose of.  Also, I must ask that you please conduct yourselves like adults in the future.  Crab risotto appetizers are meant to be eaten, not tossed at each other as in a middle school food fight, for some poor elf to pick up the next day.  Remember, Santa is watching.  Please, govern yourselves accordingly.

Sincerely,

Jacque-Jacque Le Elf

Child Observational Specialist, First Class