Another One Bites the Dust (or, What are the Odds)

Within 5 hours of the pulling of her first tooth, Ellie experiences a second loss.  Really, it may be too much to bear for this tender five year old.  Or, "hey, mom, I know the tooth fairy brings money, so if you lose your first tooth and then your second tooth on the same day that's gotta be worth a lot.  Right?"

Ahh, capitalism.  Nice to know I'm raising her right.

Man Down! Man Down!

First tooth gone!

When asked how on earth this happened she says "I just pulled it."  I ask "Why?"  She says "I just did".  I say "When?"  She says "At school."  "Was it exciting, did it hurt, did it bleed, " I ask.  She says "Mama, you're silly." 

Apples, trees.  Something. 

Life Motto

There is no substitute for thorough preparation.  Except for being practiced in the art of bullshit.

Leggings Aren't Pants

Come on girls.  You know it.  I know it.  We ALL know it.  Stop pretending that you don't know it.  Leggings.  Are.  Not.  Pants.  I'm not talking about those stretchy running pants that sort of look like leggings but are made of some hybrid of Kevlar and Spandex.  Nor am I referring to Jeggings (although I could do a whole other post on that deal).  The item of clothing, apparel, accessory I'm targeting here are good old fashioned, no doubts about them, leggings. 

Here's what you can wear leggings with:  dresses, skirts, tunics that actually cover your ass.  Here's what you can't wear leggings with:  ANYTHING ELSE! 

Ask yourself this question:  "Self, would I wear tights with this top that I'm calling a tunic even though it hits me right around my hip bone?"  If the answer is "no you silly slut, you'd look like a slut."  Then DON'T DO IT. 

See, legging are tights with the feet cut out.  Yes, I know they may seem different.  Sometimes, they can even appear a little bit thicker, but, trust me, the minute the sun, flourescent lighting, incandescent lighting, moon beams hit your ass you can see through them the same way you see through tights.  No one else needs to know that you are down to your "day before I do the laundry panties", and if you wear leggings as if they were something they are not (pants) then that's what you will be telling the rest of the world.

Also they accentuate everything that is imperfect about your ass area.  This is true for everyone.  Not just us fluffy ladies.  If you're not perfectly svelte, you just showed your entire office that area of your body you've been willing yourself to ignore in the mirror for the past five years.  If you are perfectly svelte, well, let's just say there are parts of a skinny girl no one wants to see either.  Not to mention, any questions as to your virtue are answered right there with your willingness to walk around without pants on.

Before you try to argue "ummm, I looked in the mirror and everything looked fine," the mirror in your room cannot be trusted.  (A) The light in your room is not the same as the light outside your room (B) You just got out of bed, so you're not communicating appropriately with your mirror anyway, and (C) We know you didn't really look at your backside, you just looked at your front, that is just a lack of preparation, people.

Here's a simple test:  Put on your ensemble.  Turn around.  Bend over at the waist. Take a glance at your fanny. Do you see anything you wouldn't want to see with tights on?  Yes?  Put on some pants! 

Snuggle Bunny Sunday

What I needed to do today:

1.  Laundry
2.  Wrap copious numbers of Christmas Gifts
3.  Find at least 5 teacher gifts
4.  More laundry
5.  Clean the Kitchen
6.  Grocery Shop
7.  Work on the budget
8.  Catch up at the office
9.  That damn laundry
10. Sweep up Christmas Tree needles

What I did instead:

1.  Snuggled
2.  Co-composed a concerto comprised entirely of Sing-a-ma-jigs
3.  Watched Tom and Jerry's Nutcracker Christmas
4.  Watched Garfield Christmas
5.  Whispered the lyrics to I Want A Hippopatamus for Christmas
      a.  Into a Walkie Talkie
      b.  While said Walkie Talkies were less than a foot apart
      c.  With my five year old giggling uncontrollably
6.  Laid perfectly still under the covers to see if Harry could find us.
7.  Snuggled some more
8.  Got yelled at by DAD for not getting out of the bed
9.  Discussed the intricacies and physics of Santa coming down a ventless fireplace chimney
10.Had the best Snuggle Bunny Sunday ever.

Very Serious Stuff...with a Side of Crazy Pants

Warning.  Foul language ahead.

There is nothing all that funny about this entry, but for my own theraputic purposes I'm going to lay it all out there anyway. 

Last night, after finishing at Ellie's gymnastics class, she and I ran by Publix to grab some diapers and milk.  Then we headed to the McDonald's on Whitlock to grab her a Happy Meal.  Instead of going straight to the drive through, I pulled into a parking space to enter my Publix purchase into my phone since I did it with my check card and not cash...I'm very OCD about my check card purchases right now.

While I'm typing away a guy runs up to my car window, holds up a 9MM and proceeds to yell at me to get out of the car.  I immediately think "if that asshole thinks I'm getting out of this car without Ellie he might as well go ahead and shoot me."  I glance back at her and I'm about to yell at her to "unhook, unhook, unhook and get in the front seat with mommy" so that I could open the door and run with her when he sees her too and thinks better of what he's doing.  He jumps the retaining wall between McDonald's and the next door insurance company and takes off running.

I gather my wits (sort of) and call 911.  They catch him and his accomplice.  Apparently, I was not the only target of the evening and they've got another guy in the parking lot across the street giving them statements and descriptions.

First off, I love, love, love the Marietta PD right now.  They took care of me.  They completely wowed Ellie and they made the whole thing as un-scary as possible.  I do not remember the officer's name who dealt with us, but once I find out I am going to make sure the entire department knows that he is an asset to them and our entire community. 

Secondly, my little girl is the bravest, most unflinching soul I have ever met.  She and she alone, because my attention was elsewhere, noticed the car the guy got out of, the appearance of the driver, what color the car was, what the driver was wearing...everything.  She made sure the police officer knew as well.  She also let him know that her younger brother likes trains, chocolate Santas , sometimes hits, and she told him about her class on Italy that day and how Mt. Vesuvius destroyed Pompeii.  What attempted carjacking?

Lastly, for the record, I'm not a nervous Nelly.  As this was going on, I had my shit together.  I had a complete description of the guy.  Held it together and didn't sob uncontrollably to the 911 operator (also, by the way, fantastic public servant).  However, now that I've had some time to reflect, here is what I thought about in the ten seconds or so of sheer panic:

1.  Gotta get Ellie in the front seat!
2.  Will it hurt if he shoots me?
3.  If I just jam the door open will it hit him in the junk hard enough to make him drop?
4.  He'll shoot me in the leg, right?  Because these pants suck and I sort of like my shirt.
5.  Dammit, will he let me grab the diapers?  We're completely out.
6.  Fuck the milk.
7.  If I don't get her a cheeseburger, she's going to flip and I just know he's going to want my wallet.
8.  Maybe that's not a gun, maybe it's a Zach Morris phone.
9.  Nope, definitely a gun.
10.Damn, dude, pull up your pants.

Seriously.  I thought all of these things.  We're safe.  The bad guys got caught.  I'm still shaking.  But, I saw last tonight how fabulous and fast our police force can be.  I saw them show kindness to a freaked out mom and a little girl.  I saw them frustrated by this kind of crime in our neighborhood.  We walked away, me a little shaken and Ellie no worse for wear.  I will never stop praying in thankfulness for that fact.